Ahhhh don't even know

I feel like shit. I feel like shit. I feel like shit.
Why am I still even friends with you even though you piss me off so much?
I hate the fact that you're obviously jealous of me sometimes and if not how vain do I sound right now.
I hate the fact that we told each other that later this afternoon we'd hang once I was finished seeing my cousins,
and that you finally got some money and that you'd pay me back my $5,
and I text you hopefully hearing back from you saying you want to meet up now but instead you're in town,
with our friend,
who is drunk.
You always bring me down if you haven't noticed with all the bullshit that happens between you and you're fucking friend who you say you REALLLLLY like one minute then the next you say you REALLLLLY can't stand him,
even though he treats you like a fucking baby and also likes to control you by saying who you can and can't hang with.

You were crying just last night at the bus stop because of how much he is a prick and so on, yet I see that you were hanging with him again today!

What the fuck man, make up your fucking mind already!

And stop deleting his number when I'm around and saying 'Oh yeah, i'm not going to talk to him again, promise!' then the next time i'm with you you've added his fucking number again!

Do you like the way how he talks to you like you're the problem with each argument you two have?!
I actually think you do to be honest.

And how you take so long to reply to texts I send you, I ALWAYS take time to reply to your texts you send me, ALWAYS!
you obviously don't do the same for me.

While we were walking back from seeing him and our other friends/people I know, you asked me something to do with him about what I thought of him, or something like that.
I said 'I fucking can't stand him, just how he trea-' i started getting teary eyed and I couldnt finish my sentence other wise I would've started crying, because I hate it how you guys argue and rant on at each other thru texts and facebook but when It comes to seeing each other again in person, he acts as if he's done nothing and that everyone should be happy.

I Care about you! O don't want to see you being treated like that by a guy! I like to think you deserve better than that but somehow I'm starting to think you don't, since you always go back to him and back to the ways he treats you. I guess you like how he brings you down all the time, makes you feel like shit. Yeah, that how everyone should be treated by their supposedly close friends, right?

I just don't know how much of you I cantake anymore, you're starting to become like the people who I don't ever like being around.

I'm sick of your shit to be quite fucking honest.

Time Flies

Wow, just the other day I had been wondering how long its been since I last updated this blog and gosh its been a while and so much has happend to me since August 27th.

I've met a big group of new people, i've had a boyfriend, which turned into an ex boyfriend haha.

I feel like i've become more confident in talking to people i'm still getting to know or have just met. Which is a major brake through for me! since i'm not the most confident person out there :)

Also on the topic of confidence, when I talk to a guy i've just met I usually stay quite but within these couple of months past the end of August I swear i've flourished in that department. It's actually so easy to talk to them! As long as their willing to talk to you in return hah.

I actually feel really good right now.

I just finished the book 'Before I fell' by Lauren Oliver. It was such a fantastic book and I feel like I have somehow accomplished something just by reading it.

Also when I see something or get asked to join in for something during school or just with my friends I usually hesitate and just say NO. But These past two, three months now I keep saying to myself, mentally of-course, 'You only live once.' which actually encourages me to do more things so I wont regret not doing anything while im still young and finding my place on this planet.

I think that's all I'm going to write for now, I dont really think theres much more to say at this point in time.

But i'm sure, for once, that I can actually say i'm quietly happy with how things are apart from one thing in particular. But other than that.. :)

At last;

I've gotten back from the doctors, turns out I should probably start going to counciling at school.

Then my doctor said if I feel like i'm not progressing and I still feel the same, then I will be referred on to someone else. Possibly pills or something. I dont know.

I want to keep track of these thing, it'd be good to read back onto this.

Make Me Happy

I have an appointment at the doctors fo 3pm today, so thats in about half and hour away.

I'm going to see if I can get something to help me feel more positive because somethings just not right with me at the moment.

I feel as if its just getting worse so if I can get some pills to make me not feel like crying each day like my mum has then, Oh man, would I take them!

I'm just waiting for mum to get home from work so we can go.

I'm nervous.

Hmm..

'Our Little Secret' by Allayne Webster

"Nothing ever happens in Wattleton - at least not without the whole town knowing.

Anne-Marie and Edwina have kept their secrets from everyone, and their secrets are the kind that will hurt - everyone.

A remarkable story of romantic dreams, guilt and fear. A story of exploitation and power.

A story every girl should read."

I just finished reading this book.

It was quite a sad book, but it did have some funny moments.

I actually found this book at the library on a display shelf and was inticed by the books cover, so I read that back and I wasn't too sure at first if I should get it but I opened the book up to a random page, read a little bit and decided I'd get it out.

This lil part of the book reminded me of a moment that I thought in my life 3 months ago:

"I placed the daisies by the graveside. I looked at the coffin. I couldn't connect with the idea that inside lay Anne-Maire's body that I would never see again."

"Why did she have to do this?

Why?

I had no answer. Only Anne-Marie knew the answer."

It's a book I could imagine being a really good movie.

Dude.

Last night was Crazy!

First off I went to town with Desiree and Kayla, it wasn't very busy at all, to kill time.

Then we ended off bussing back to some guy desiree knew and stayed at his for a bit and had drinks there then we finally started walking to this Jack guys house for a gig after party, dude so many people were there and desiree told me that some chick got the end of her finger cut off from it getting a door slammed on it, or something like that.

I saw some people I hadn't seen in quite awhile,

Talked to a fair amount of randoms hah.

Met some really nice people who were so funny haha.

Some creepy huge gay guy touched me and all this crap happend then some chick i had met last night was saying I could tell the cops but it wasnt as bad as that makes it sound, I hope I never see him again, ugh.

OH, and pretty much the whole of last night/morning I went around telling the guy I like that I thought he was gorgeous as and i'm pretty sure I said something like he was the only one that could touch my boobs, I have no clue what I was thinking.

Oh well, you only live once.

TOMORROW!

ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOMORROW.

WEEEEE!

Oh yeah,

it's my birthday in 11 days

12 August .. woo hoo.

I hate this

I'm sick as at the moment.

I can't stop coughing,

I have a blocked nose and my body hurts a bit.

Fuck sake.

place I want to visit

I really wan't to go to Stockholm, Sweden.

Something about that place just makes me really curious about oing there.

too caffeinated to sleep

there's so much fucking bullshit going through my head right now and this mountain dew isn't helping.

my true blood dvd wont load on my laptop which is pissing me right off.

i'm in a fucking bad headspace at the moment.

ARGH!

oh yeeeah

about to watch vampire diaries. how can I ? hahaha.

oh yeeeah

about to watch vampire diaries. how can I ? hahaha.

oh yeeeah

about to watch vampire diaries. how can I ? hahaha.

oh yeeeah

about to watch vampire diaries. how can I ? hahaha.

I am Sick

I have a annoying cold, which came out of no where.

I feel shit and my nose feels so blocked up.

Good thing though is that Mum came home from work but stopped at the library on the way and came home with a book called 'Graffiti Woman' for me, it's got some interesting pieces of art in it.

I think I might just listen to music for the rest of the afternoon and go onto wiki.

:)

Jess, you're all I think about now.

Forever on my mind.

You're in my thoughts while I'm talking to another person.

For instance, I could be talking to someone about cheesecake and you'll be in my thoughts.

Its something I'm getting used to.

I keep thinking I'll see you at school, each day.

I'm always thinking I'll see you walking, down any street.

Then reality hits me again and I remember, I probably wont see you.

I get my hopes up.

I think I'm going to have an obsession with i-D magazine. It's super fantastic!

It's packed full of pictures and quirky things, and quite a few interviews with quirky/smart people. Love it!

I think I might start a journal, I like to think that if I started it now, in a few years if I'm still around since that's not promised to anyone, that I'll be able to see what I thought about things and to see if I still have the same emotions towards things that I might not have in a few years.

Also, just these last two weeks I'm starting to think that I'm actually rather smart.

I used to get people telling me how smart I was and I'd be embarrassed about it but now I actually take it as a compliment. Theres nothing wrong with being smart.

So yes, about the journal, since it's just the beginning of my 2 weeks holiday I really want to go to the shops near the beach and buy one. On saturday - tomorrow - I shall go and do that.

I really enjoy writing long blogs, I want to do this more often. It takes some weights off my shoulders.

I love how I can write what I'm thinking, it really does help me relax.

I think I'm going to have an early night tonight.

Ah, yes.

Wonderful.

03/06/10 never forget this day, ever.

Today I found out that my Best Friend in the whole Universe died.
She was gorgeous, very sure of herself and the cutest thing ever!
And I loved her to bits.

I miss her Sosososo much! :(
I wish I could've spent more time with her,
I feel like this is all a dream. Like this can't be true!

yesterday she seemed fine , today she didn't turn up at school. wasn't unusual at all.
Until I got asked to go to the head masters office and got told the news.

Jess, I love you so much. I don't think I ever told you, but I looked up to you. I thought you were the greatest thing ever!
I was going to text you today saying that we should hang more often together before you move to Australia, but something told me not to send it.
I hope you're okay where ever you are, and I hope you're with your mum.

I'm so confused Jess! I really just wished you had told me if something was wrong, I was always there to listen!

I need to go rest, i'm seeing Mitch tomorrow morning hopefully. I'll talk to him.

I Love you Jessica Amy Anderson!


1996 - 2010 <3

Today

Second period of school was just horrible, I had a breakdown and couldn't stop crying for the rest of the day.

So I texted Mum saying I wanted to come home but she was at work so she got my Nana to come get me.

Whenever someone asked me what was wrong I'd burst out crying and say "I dont know!"

I still dont know why this happend today. Its crazy. Especially at school. I guess everything is getting to me at the moment.

My eyes are still kinda stingy from all the crying, they feel sort of swollen.

Oh, this morning was Stupid!

I got up super early like 6am and at the usual time *8am* I went outside the house with my brother and waited for the bus.

At 8.05am the bus should've arrived, but no.

Then comes 8.30am, waiting another 20 minutes for this stupid bus to arrive got us nowhere.

So Taylor and I got a ride to school with his friend Jenny.

When I got to class there was an announcement on the loudspeaker saying that there was something wrong with the buses this morning so expect a lot of late people to class.

Oh man I was so pissed off at that because its happend a couple of other times with bus drivers not doing their job. and I've had over 5 bus drivers driving the bus in the complete opposite direction it should be going in.

I hate buses anyway. I'd walk to school if it didn't take me an hour and a half to get there.

Friday and other things

I started tearing up on the bus after school on friday.

I really thought I'd burst out crying.

I've been especially worried lately about my future. At My age I shouldn't even be thinking about it!

This is getting stupid, I keep wondering if I'll hav like a decent job and apartment.

And I've still got a just under a year till this really will start to worry me but I keep freaking out that next year I won't pass NCEA :\

That's actually been on my mind a lot this past month.

I feel like I don't get up to enough, every weekend I'm at home. doing nothing.like usual.

I feel as if I should be getting up to all sorts of shit with my best friends cause you're only young once and shit. Jeeeeesus.

This is bullshit. COMPLETE BULLSHITTTTTTTTTTT!!!!

I REAAALLLY HATE THIS RIGHT NOW I WANT TO SCREAM HAHAHAHA

I think i'm going crazy.

no, more like insane.... yeah, insane.

I want to blog every day now. I love this. I can vent and say whatever, I usually have a loooottt of shit to say. oh neat.